"So That's What That Sound Is..." The Very Real Risks of Poor After-Care in Psychedelics

Did I NEED to go on a ketamine journey today? I did not. And my little girl (inner child) did not like the

fact that I was volunteering for it so that my students could learn, and their own clients could be helped. She’s tired of being used as a “ripple generator”- sending out positive ripples for the benefit of others, when it’s not what she wants for herself. I worked to soothe her by giving her voice. I spoke out loud for her and shared her warnings to me that this is some of the codependent behavior that got us where we were in 2022- the bottom of the depression barrel.

I was nervous about becoming vulnerable in front of a student... and in front of a colleague I am hoping to work with. I hope it went well and that Jeannie would like to partner with us. Part of me wants to reach out and see how she thought it went, but I am not in a place where I can receive the news if it is bad.

I just learned this. I just learned that it REALLY is no joke when they tell you to take it easy during your period of neuroplasticity after treatment. I’ve always had a high pain tolerance, and sometimes I overestimate my abilities (as my exasperated husband will tell you), but when it comes to matters of the brain, I am trying to heed good advice. Nonetheless, I did it again. When my vision finally stabilized to where I wasn’t seeing multiples of everything, hours after a heavy dose, I figured I was fine. And I had things to do.

I began checking my emails and updating my websites, and communicating with people via text. Big mistake... a student messaging me about a client who incessantly wants to break an agreement in their billing contract, and who doesn’t seem to understand the word “no.” A colleague asking me who put up the Facebook notification for her event because it’s all wrong, not consistent with her branding, and needed to be taken down ASAP. A friend, who accidentally overslept and stood me up the night before, now asking for information about board games and DnD so they could help the friend they hung out with tonight with their college gaming club...

I opened up my little girl to receive the world, good or bad, when I allowed myself to look at my phone. I hadn’t intended it, but she was taking on a lot of damage on matters that we otherwise would have navigated without too much stress. I had inadvertently subjected her to feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and abandonment.

I suddenly noticed my ears were ringing. LOUDLY! It had built to a pitch that was now SCREAMING and I could not turn it down. And yet there was a curious part inside of me, taking notes and analyzing everything.

“Interesting,” it noted. “This is the same sound they play in The Boys when Homelander is experiencing something intensely stressful and begins to dissociate a little... oh hey, a correlation there! Stress equals high pitch siren in the ears.” She jots this down on her pad of scientific observations. “What was it they said about ‘the dark side of neuroplasticity’?” she continues. “That it can work to improve a person’s mental flexibility, but it can also drive bad patterns even deeper into the psyche-- Oh! Now there’s that burning sensation in my brain that I’ve come to associate with cortisol... Oh.

Uh-oh...

Whoops.

I think I just figured out that the high pitched screaming is the sound of my newly grown dendrites being killed off by the cortisol that my brain has released in response to disregarding the same advice I give to clients. And here, I always thought that the Looney Toons image of smoke coming out of someone’s ears was a metaphor... but that’s preeeetty accurate to how I feel right now! I guess it’s time to stop what I’m doing and get to bed.”

I firmly wrapped up the chats I was engaged in, and began making some boba tea. I tucked Enzo in with Devon and received a hug and kiss. I began to write this note and take deep breaths. Hopefully, I haven’t done too much damage... but if nothing else, it makes for a good journal entry and a lesso

n for me to use to teach my students and clients.

“Sigh... when will you stop using yourself as a science experiment, Briana?” I hear my little girl ask me.

Epilogue:

Waking up was hard this morning. Those same events that brought on the stress the night before has settled in to semi-permanent residency. In a neuroplastic window, stress will cut deeper and stay longer. Which is obviously the OPPOSITE of what we’re going for here. Because I was not as gentle with myself as long as was needed last night, I couldn’t wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the to-do list I rushed into last night. I took little “nibbles” at my tasks, but the ringing in my ears would begin again. Subtler, but still echoing the damage from last night. At least I was listening for it now. I tuned in very intently to listen to my little girl. She was hurt, and “business as usual” wasn’t making it better.

We patched things up with the colleague who took issue with the Facebook advertising. We set firm boundaries with work, refusing to be bullied by parents who had never been themselves taught boundaries and self-care. We confessed that we were hurt to our friend, and allowed him to reassure us. When we felt less vulnerable, we agreed to spend some make-up time together this evening. But self-advocacy is hard work, and the ringing persisted. I ended up having to practice what I preach after all. I canceled my sessions this afternoon and made plans to go to the pool. I made sure Devon was snug and happy in his room. He had been tending well to his inner child, I noticed. Candy wrappers and YouTube and a heated blanket. I gave my Inner Parent a “don’t you start” look. Inner Parent could have voice once my own Inner Child had her say. Devon reassured, and happy in his little nest, I updated Dan, making plans to connect with him later in the evening, and off I went. I can tell this is working, and it is what she wants, by the silence in my ears.

PostScript: After researching more on the internet, I unsurprisingly learned that tinnitus IS brought on

by cortisol. Its effects can be permanent if you don’t listen to your own Inner Child and reduce your

stress ASAP.