A Client's Inner Child Work

I wanted to share a journal entry that a friend of mine wrote. He sees a different clinician at Art and Soul, and he's been doing The Work of therapy. But he stumbled recently in a big way. We had a very candid talk, and then he shared this journal entry with me. With his permission, I wanted share it with you... because it's so poignant. So well written... and gives voice to the constant, daily struggle we all endure. The Work never really ends, but because of what work he has done, he was able to move upwards and out of his immense pain. In a matter of a couple weeks, he is once again happy, healthy, playful... he is back to the friend I have come to know and love. --Briana Benn-Mirandi

This past month, I've been sinking deeper, letting the young and scared me take my life back over. His thoughts, habits, and mindsets have been overpowering my own and it scared me.

But as that fear grew, it only let him run things more. He needs someone strong and healthy to comfort him, and lately I haven't been giving that to him because I couldn't even control my own fear and pain, and in return his only grew stronger.

Who does he have to look to for guidance if not for me? And who do I have to look towards for guidance? There is no older, stronger, and wiser version of me to talk to. I've come so far and grew so much stronger by looking back and finding the things that I wanted to be better with, but my motivation and reason to grow is all wrong.

I never accepted him for who he was, and I wanted to get stronger because I didn't like who he was. I didn't want to be like that again. And each time he has shown his face, I feared him. He never got the love, support, and acceptance that he needed from me. Instead I looked at him and told him that he wasn't welcome; that he isn't a part of who I am. In all reality, that's just the kind of thought and mindset that he would've had.

I thought I was growing to be a better person, but all I did was hold myself above him and try to prove that I'm better than he is. I should have been growing alongside him. And now he seeks comfort in the only ways that he knows. He drowns it all out with a bottle, and he locks his pain and fear inside, but it never stays in. Instead, it seeps out and poisons everything around him, making him sink deeper as the supports begin to corrode and fall away.

He deserves better. I deserve to be better, and to give him the hope that he needs to make it through all the pain and suffering he has had to endure. He and I might be different, but we are still very much the same. And if I can't give him love and support, and actually accept him, then how can I ever do the same for myself? How can I learn to truly grow and be the person that I want to be if I can't even look him in the eyes? I don't know if I'm just scared that it will hurt or that I feel like maybe if I'm vulnerable with him, he will end up letting me sink with him. But I can't just live in that fear and not do anything about it, because soon enough I'm going to end up sinking much further than he's ever been.

If that happens, he won't ever have someone to comfort him and to show him what is right and what is wrong. To show him that there is something to look forward, and it wasn't all just wasted effort. It's okay for me to be scared, just like it's okay for him to be scared. But I need to talk with him and work through it all, because both of us need each other's support.

I will help guide him to a better and happier life, and he will walk next to me and tell me when I'm slipping. He will encourage me to not fall back, while I encourage him to keep moving forward. And together, we will both grow and accept each other. I will accept the pain and fear he has endured, and accept that he has done everything he can with what he had. And he will accept that just because I'm older, and just because I am stronger, it doesn't mean that I'm not afraid.

It doesn't mean that I won't struggle or stumble. He is a part of me, and I am a part of him. And unless we grow and not just accept, but love each other, then both of us will fall. And the pain and struggles that we have both fought tooth and nail through would have been all for nothing. We can't let each other down like that. We need each other, and we need to feel comfortable and safe together.